About
I’m Lawrence Ressler. I help individuals and organizations who want to understand or transform tension.
Perspective on Conflict
There is little doubt that conflict drains us of energy, time, and resources and we do what we can to avoid it. The reality is that we cannot avoid conflict. Rather than see conflict as inherently bad, it is important to understand that conflict can have positive outcomes. This begins with a proper understanding of conflict.
Conflict can be defined simply as differences that produce tension. Not all differences result in tension. Some do. Tension is like hunger or thirst. Hunger and thirst are undesirable sensations that are designed to get us to do something. Hunger notifies us that our bodies need nourishment. Thirst notifies us that our bodies need fluids. Tension notifies us that there is a gap in a relationship that needs attention. Hunger, thirst, and tension are gifts to us, not curses. They keep our bodies and relationships alive.
Undesirable sensations are not the problem. The problem is what people do to reduce undesirable sensations. When people are hungry or thirsty, they sometimes eat or drink unhealthy or even toxic foods or beverages. To reduce tension in relationships, people sometimes take painful and destructive actions which can be remembered vividly, even years after the actions took place. Hurtful conflict-resolving efforts can be triggering events that stay with us for many years. The result of these negative events can easily lead us to associate negative feelings with conflict and cause us to do our best to avoid it.
Tension in relationships need not result in painful outcomes. Tension is merely an indication that action is needed to understand and address a relationship gap that exists. Addressing a relationship gap effectively can result in vibrant relationships and a better world for all. The goal in relationships is not to have no conflict any more than one would work to eliminate hunger or thirst sensations. The goal is to transform for good the tension we experience so that we have a deeper and more complete understanding of the issues and each other so that we can move forward in peace.
Dealing constructively with tension is as vital to our relationships as consuming healthy food and drink is to our bodies. Dealing with tension constructively requires knowledge, skills, and sometimes help from others. That is the reason we are here.
A Multidimensional Approach to Conflict Transformation
Dealing with conflict can be challenging because people can be amazingly different in how they think, how they respond, how they relate, and what is important to them. Each conflict is unique.
Efforts to reduce the tensions and transform the conflict are also unique. It involves what we say, what we do, how we feel, what we want, and experiences in our past. Sometimes what is needed is dialogue. Sometimes it requires making amends. Sometimes reducing the tension involves letting go of negative feelings like resentment and pain. Sometimes it requires developing a new vision for the future and the possibility of reconciliation.
There are five ways to resolve conflict: do it your way, do it my way, do it our way, do it halfway, or do it no way. These solutions are often referred to as forcing, accommodating, agreeing, compromising, and avoiding. Each of these can be a positive resolution when accompanied by respect, empathy, and balance. Wisdom and sometimes outside help are required to discover which resolution is most appropriate.
We can provide education about conflict and conflict transformation as well as mediation to facilitate the efforts to resolve the conflict. We can also provide skills training in workshops on truth-seeking, forgiveness, making amends, and vision-building.
Sometimes, the most effective way to deal with conflict is to learn how to anticipate it and address issues that have the potential to become problems. We are happy to have a conversation and explore what would be helpful to you or your organization.
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